Historic Florida District Discovers Whites Still Capable of Dividing Black Vote, Shocking No One

A collective gasp, audible only to political consultants and particularly aggrieved palm trees, swept across Florida’s historically Black District 25 this week. It appears four Black Democratic candidates, bless their well-meaning hearts, have committed the cardinal sin of… existing. Their audacious presence on the ballot, pundits warn with the solemnity usually reserved for discussing expired coupons, threatens to 'dilute' the Black vote, thereby potentially clearing a path for the incumbent, a vision in beige named Wasserman Schultz. Sources close to the campaign, mostly discarded lawn signs, confirmed that Ms. Schultz expressed surprise that a district drawn specifically to empower Black voters was, in fact, empowerable by 'anyone, including a nice lady with a well-researched policy binder.' Observers are now bracing for the inevitable think-pieces on the tragic 'paradox of choice' and the groundbreaking discovery that, sometimes, too many good ideas means someone who *isn't* a good idea wins. Progress, it seems, is a wonderfully elastic concept.