Historic Club to Be Replaced by, We Assume, Even More Historic Club

The venerable Delhi Gymkhana Club, an institution where the very air, according to historical audits, was 90% gin and tonic vapors, faces imminent shuttering. Prime Minister Modi, fresh off a successful campaign to rename anything that didn't sound like a Sanskrit lullaby, has declared the club a 'vestige of colonialism,' which is a bit like calling the British Museum a quaint curio shop. Members, however, suspect the true motive might be less about decolonization and more about who gets to sit in the plush leather armchairs next. One long-standing patron, who preferred to remain anonymous due to fears of having his ancestral polo mallet confiscated, mused, "It's not about the Brits anymore, darling. It's about 'us' and 'them' – a distinction apparently best maintained by destroying the very places that once codified it." Critics of the closure, many of whom have perfected the art of the 3-hour lunch, argue that the club serves as a vital historical reminder of... well, that time when everyone important looked vaguely uncomfortable in linen suits. Sources close to the government, speaking under condition of anonymity to avoid being promoted, suggest the site may be redeveloped into a "Heritage Mega-Mall," dedicated to the preservation of indigenous consumerism. The irony, naturally, would be entirely coincidental.