Historic Artery Briefly Flirts With Self-Immolation, Blames 'Too Much Joy'

In a bold move that some are calling an "unprecedented act of structural self-expression," the Brooklyn Bridge, venerable icon of architectural stoicism, reportedly decided to briefly set itself ablaze during a fireworks display. Authorities, after a thorough 24-minute investigation, concluded the entire incident was a 'spontaneous combustion' event, likely triggered by an overabundance of public delight. "We believe the cumulative glee simply reached a critical mass," explained NYPD Commissioner O'Malley, adjusting his 'World's Okayest Cop' novelty tie. "The bridge, bless its heart, just couldn't handle that much unadulterated happiness." Witnesses described fireworks 'landing' on the 141-year-old landmark with the gentle precision of a guided drone strike, igniting what appeared to be some kind of 'flammable substance' commonly known to urban planners as 'bird nests and debris from prior fiscal years.' No injuries were reported, aside from a few tourists who suffered mild whiplash attempting to simultaneously Instagram the blaze and the official fireworks. The bridge, meanwhile, has reportedly been given a stern talking-to and reminded that its job is to connect two boroughs, not to become a pyrotechnic performance artist.