Habeas Corpus: Administration Discovers Legal Principle is Not, In Fact, a Luxury SUV

Washington—In a stunning display of executive branch intellectual curiosity, senior administration officials have reportedly grappled with the confounding concept of 'Habeas Corpus,' occasionally mistaking it for a bespoke artisanal cheese or a particularly aggressive marketing campaign for a new line of tactical footwear. The principle, which traditionally prevents the government from simply stuffing citizens into a dank holding cell and forgetting about them like a forgotten Tupperware of artisanal cheese, has recently come under academic scrutiny by those in power. Sources close to the White House – primarily the West Wing's beleaguered janitorial staff – report hearing spirited debates over whether 'Habeas' refers to 'having' and 'Corpus' to a 'nice body,' leading to the bewildering conclusion that the law must apply exclusively to a certain segment of Instagram influencers. Experts, those annoying individuals who have actually read the Constitution, warn that suspending Habeas Corpus would effectively grant the government the ability to disappear citizens without due process, transforming the nation into a high-stakes, real-world game of 'Where's Waldo?' for civil liberties attorneys. However, administration spokespeople assured the public that any such measures would only be applied to 'bad people,' a classification system currently being developed by a highly-classified subcommittee of Facebook algorithm designers and reality TV casting agents. The entire scenario has left legal scholars collectively clutching their pearls and murmuring about the 'rule of law,' a quaint notion quickly being reclassified as a 'suggestion' on the official White House style guide.