Greenland Debates Drilling for Oil, Or, More Efficient Ways to Accelerate Planetary Heat Death

A small, intrepid band of petrochemical prospectors from the United States has reportedly 'discovered' oil beneath Greenland, marking a historic moment where a land defined by ice might soon be defined by industrial-grade lubricants. The proposed drilling operation, optimistically dubbed 'Project Meltdown,' promises to transform the pristine, rapidly liquefying Arctic landscape into a vibrant hub of... well, whatever happens after you drill for oil in an ecological canary-in-a-coal-mine. While local residents have expressed a quaint, almost anachronistic desire to preserve their hunting grounds and general planetary habitability, company executives assure everyone that the 'resource extraction' process will be both 'sustainable' and 'financially advantageous for those of us who wear suits.' The drilling, they note, would merely accelerate existing climate trends, which is 'just efficiency, really,' adding that the ice is 'going to melt anyway, so why not get a return on investment?' Critics, largely comprised of scientists and people who still believe in 'facts,' argue that the project could unleash a veritable Pandora's box of environmental consequences, although most concede that Greenland could really use a decent gas station.