GOP Horrified by Sordid Plot to Introduce a Third Viable Human to Alaska Ballot

According to federal registries that monitor arctic ballot ecology, three separate state and national agencies mobilized this week to determine whether Democrats violated federal law by attempting to field a decoy woodsman in the Alaska Senate race. The Department of Justice issued grand subpoenas, House Oversight demanded sworn interviews, and Juneau authorities launched a localized inquiry to establish how national operatives managed to locate an independent voter willing to endure twelve consecutive seconds of public scrutiny without retreating into an abandoned gold mine. Congressional Republicans expressed profound indignation over the alleged spoiler scheme, arguing that the manufacturing of fictitious third-party candidates has historically been a proprietary cornerstone of conservative heritage. "We spent four decades perfecting the sacred discipline of bankrolling obscure green-party botanists to derail suburban moderates," noted one senior investigator, visibly distraught while reviewing subpoenaed communications. "To see our delicate craft plundered by Democrats in a state whose ranked-choice system already resembles a high-stakes bingo parlor operated by quantum physicists is a grotesque insult to our nation's venerable traditions of deceit."