Google Generously Equips Minors with Existential Dread as Classroom AI Rolls Out

In a move lauded by literally no one outside a Mountain View boardroom, Google has magnanimously decided that America's youth, already navigating the labyrinthine horrors of adolescence, deserved access to its 'Gemini' AI, previously reserved for the 'fully-formed-frontal-lobe' crowd. Apparently, the tech giant reasoned that if students aged 13-17 could expertly plagiarize an essay using a search engine, they might as well do it with the added efficiency of machine learning and the delightful bonus of wondering if their homework is now sentient. Critics, or rather, anyone with a pulse, noted the policy shift from an 18-and-over access rule to a general K-12 rollout for its Classroom app, implying that if you can comprehend TikTok, you're ready for an algorithm that can compose poetry, code, or perhaps pen a convincing suicide note *for* your literary analysis. Schools, ever eager to embrace the future while simultaneously refusing to fund functional plumbing, are reportedly thrilled. The move is expected to usher in a new era of 'learning,' primarily teaching children how to ask a bot to do their thinking, then asking the bot how to cite itself as a source.