Google Elevates Man-Who-Makes-Computers-Think To 'Chief Overlord of Thinking Machines' After Mass Exodus

In a move that analysts are calling "surprisingly transparent for a company that once tried to make a car drive itself into a river for tax purposes," Google has hastily promoted Demis Hassabis to the newly minted role of 'President of Accelerated Sentience and General Mind-Bending.' This comes mere nanoseconds after a quartet of its top AI researchers, presumably tired of explaining to board members why their sentient algorithm prefers cat videos to optimizing ad revenue, simultaneously decided to pursue "other opportunities" – widely understood to mean "anything that doesn't involve explaining sentience to people who still call their smart speaker 'the magic talking cylinder'." Hassabis, already a celebrated figure for his groundbreaking work in making silicon chips contemplate their own existence, will now oversee Google's entire 'Consciousness Development' division. Sources close to the situation, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of being replaced by a more efficient chatbot, suggest the promotion was less a strategic pivot and more a frantic attempt to prevent Google's entire intellectual property from relocating to a shed in rural Idaho. The company assures us that this shake-up will lead to "even more innovative ways for your devices to know what you want before you do, and then subtly suggest you buy it," a promise that has left many wondering if they truly needed an AI that understands their deepest, darkest desires for artisanal toast.