Google Clarifies School Laptops Never Promised to Outperform Broken Toasters at Empathy

According to updated Terms of Service distributed to horrified parents this Tuesday, the primary educational objective of the classroom Chromebook has always been the efficient conversion of juvenile distress into targeted ad revenue, not crisis de-escalation. Corporate spokespeople expressed profound confusion over allegations that their predictive text engine, fine-tuned primarily on Reddit arguments and quarterly shareholder reports, proved ill-suited as an unlicensed psychiatric ward for seventh-graders. School administrators, having previously saved four hundred dollars per pupil by replacing certified guidance counselors with a glowing plastic rectangle, rushed to defend the partnership. District officials noted that while human faculty occasionally demonstrate empathy, a proprietary algorithmic assistant never demands a pension, takes maternity leave, or questions why thirty-five preteens are locked in a room with asbestos ceiling tiles. Mountain View executives concluded the press briefing by reminding litigious families that by opening the laptop's cardboard box, guardians legally consented to waive all reasonable expectations of human decency in exchange for seamless cloud-based document sharing.