Global Leaders Unanimously Agree: Children Under 16 Are Totally Fine (Just Not Online)

In a stunning display of synchronized adulting, nations worldwide are heroically safeguarding the delicate psyches of minors by simply… unplugging them. Britain, ever the plucky pioneer of the obvious, declared children under 16 shall be spared the digital swamp starting in 2027, joining a burgeoning global consensus that the internet is simultaneously a vital cornerstone of modern existence and dangerously unfit for human consumption, especially if those humans are still working out how to tie their shoes. Experts laud this bold, innovative strategy as a cost-effective alternative to, say, creating a healthier online environment or teaching critical thinking skills. 'Why mitigate the problem when you can just eliminate the problematic users?' quipped a government spokesperson, reportedly while live-tweeting a particularly spicy parliamentary debate. Critics, meanwhile, suggest this strategy might coincidentally redirect a substantial portion of the youth market towards 'approved' government-sanctioned offline activities, like remembering what grass feels like or developing an inexplicable fondness for interpretive dance. The future, it seems, is bright – and refreshingly analog-ish, for some.