G7 Allies, Fresh Out of 'Thoughts & Prayers' for American Interventionism, Brace for Trump's Geopolitical Speed Dating

In a move that has experts describing the G7 summit as "less a meeting of global leaders and more an intervention for a belligerent uncle with a brand-new toy," President Trump is slated to grace his European counterparts with his presence. Sources close to the proceedings claim allies have been spotted practicing their 'concerned but stoic' faces in unison, anticipating the usual lecture on why their commitment to NATO is insufficient, their trade policies are 'unfair,' and their collective refusal to join an ill-defined conflict is, frankly, rude. One anonymous diplomat quipped, 'We've been through trade wars, tariff tiffs, and the curious case of the Ukrainian aid freeze, but now he's disappointed we won't join his latest D&D campaign against an ancient desert empire. It's almost charmingly consistent.' Expect a vigorous debate over who gets to pick up the tab for the alliance, followed by a photo op featuring deeply uncomfortable handshakes and perhaps a stern-faced, passive-aggressive huddle about 'collective security in a rapidly evolving world.'