Former Olympian Demands Accountability For Bureaucratic Reflexivity, Citing 'Reflecting Pool's' Lack of Reflection

In a bold move that some are calling 'an inconvenient disruption of the judicial workflow,' former Olympic medalist David Hearn has formally requested an inquiry into why prosecutors in his 'reflecting pool case' seemingly confused their own evidence with a funhouse mirror. Attorneys for Mr. Hearn allege that the legal team responsible for his indictment performed an 'Olympic-level feat of selective blindness,' artfully dodging exculpatory evidence while simultaneously inventing new facts with the theatrical flair of a particularly unconvincing improv troupe. Sources close to the legal proceedings, who wished to remain anonymous lest they too be accused of 'misplacing' pertinent documents, suggest that the prosecuting office's official policy on inconvenient truths involves a complex system of industrial shredders and 'memory-hole' interns. Hearn’s legal team further argues that the prosecution’s timeline of 'what they knew when' was less a coherent narrative and more a 'madcap, chronological spaghetti western' where every character has amnesia. Experts agree that if this conduct becomes a trend, the U.S. justice system may soon require a disclaimer advising citizens that 'any resemblance to actual facts, living or dead, is purely coincidental.'