Forensic Accountants Baffled After Audit Reveals U.S. Treasury Now Contains 90% 'Friendship Vouchers'

In a development that has sent ripples of mild annoyance through the nation’s dwindling pool of ethical financial watchdogs, a federal judge has ordered former Trump administration personnel to cough up the names behind a proposed $1.8 billion fund. Apparently, the concept of a 'public servant' steering taxpayer billions towards their golf buddies and yacht club acquaintances was met with, shall we say, a certain lack of enthusiastic consensus, even among Senate Republicans who typically only raise an eyebrow when a free lunch isn't organically sourced. Officials, sources report, are genuinely bewildered by the court’s insistence on 'transparency' and 'accountability,' having long operated under the tacit assumption that government funds were merely an elaborate 'choose your own adventure' novel for the politically well-connected. One former insider, requesting anonymity to protect their extensive collection of offshore shell corporations, remarked, 'We thought it was just good management to ensure capital flowed to those most deserving – namely, those who knew us personally.' Experts predict the list will be surprisingly short, featuring only various permutations of 'Don, Jr.'s college roommate' and 'that guy who told me I had a good swing.'