Fleeing Bolsonaro Arrives in Miami to Claim Traditional Strip-Mall Asylum

Overcoming the minor logistical inconvenience of having no legal travel documents, former first-dynasty heir Flávio Bolsonaro touched down in Miami this week, completing an arduous trans-hemispheric trek undertaken by so many endangered despots before him. Brazilian federal police had preemptively voided his passport as part of an ongoing corruption probe, apparently unaware that international aviation regulations routinely yield to sheer aristocratic momentum and an Argentine connecting flight. Witnesses at Miami International Airport reported seeing Bolsonaro bypass customs entirely by presenting a coupon for a luxury condo rental and a laminated oath of allegiance to Publix supermarket. South Florida wildlife authorities subsequently confirmed that the region’s delicate ecosystem of tax evaders, retired mobsters, and banished heads of state remains fully equipped to absorb yet another embattled South American scion. A spokesperson for the family insisted the sudden sprint across two international borders was merely an aggressive real estate scouting mission, noting that subpoena-dodging is, culturally speaking, just a passionate form of cardio.