First Date in Mission District Downgraded to Culture Screen After Woman Blinks

Determining that organic human courtship constitutes an unoptimized bottleneck in his biological pipeline, local software founder Julian Vance announced Tuesday that he has officially reduced all preliminary romantic encounters to a grueling, four-tier behavioral interview over room-temperature adaptogenic tea. Prospective partners hoping to secure a co-habitation vesting schedule with Vance must now arrive armed with a certified five-year metabolic forecast, full familial predisposition charts for neurosis, and demonstrable proficiency in asynchronous affection. 'Courtship is merely talent acquisition for domestic infrastructure,' Vance explained, having recently rejected a pediatric oncologist for unacceptable latency while fielding a prompt regarding her long-term scalability. 'If an applicant cannot pitch their ancestral chromosomes before the sourdough arrives, they simply lack the bandwidth to survive our quarterly domestic sprint cycles.' Sources confirmed the evening concluded abruptly when the candidate committed an unpardonable faux pas by asking Vance what he enjoys doing on weekends, an inquiry he immediately flagged as a catastrophic breach of corporate governance.