Financial Markets Achieve Peak Schizophrenia After Orange Man Says 'Deal!'

In a stunning display of market logic that would make a quantum physicist weep, global equities experienced a joyous, gravity-defying leap Monday after former President Trump, apparently operating from a golf course <em>ex cathedra</em>, announced a 'deal' with Iran. The specifics of this geopolitical unicorn, much like the precise regulations governing Martian traffic, remain satisfyingly vague. But who needs details when the mere utterance of 'deal' by a man renowned for his meticulous, historically verifiable pronouncements can send oil futures plunging faster than a dive bar's reputation on karaoke night? Analysts, now dusting off their 'magical thinking' playbooks, surmised that this phantom accord – potentially allowing more 'energy and goods' (read: 'oil we already had') through the Strait of Hormuz – was the precise elixir needed to lubricate the gears of global capitalism. Apparently, the prospect of more black gold, regardless of its origin or the veracity of its negotiation, is enough to convince traders that the world is indeed a harmonious, oil-slicked oyster, ready for shucking by anyone with a bold enough proclamation and a Twitter account.