Federal Bureaucracy Discovers New Form of Eco-Terrorism: Competent Governance

In a bold, unprecedented move, the Trump administration has launched a multi-agency crusade against California, accusing the Golden State of a heinous crime: daring to be environmentally progressive. Sources close to the White House indicate that the President was reportedly 'just trying to watch a little TV, and there it was again, all that sunshine, all those EVs, just... existing.' It seems the state's audacious efforts to not spontaneously combust or boil its residents alive have been deemed a direct challenge to the federal government's preferred aesthetic of rugged individualism and unregulated pollution. Indeed, at least six federal departments have been mobilized, not to, say, address the opioid crisis or rebuild failing infrastructure, but to tirelessly ensure California learns its lesson about 'showing off.' Officials suggest the state's 'smug' carbon reduction targets and 'ostentatious' clean air standards are causing an unfair advantage for its citizens, who are now reportedly suffering from cleaner lungs and fewer apocalyptic wildfires. This 'luxury' of breathability, it is argued, disrupts the delicate balance of federal malaise and corporate freedom. Critics of California’s policy, now firmly entrenched in the federal government, are calling for a return to the good old days when an orange haze was merely 'morning fog' and every car was a muscle car.