Fed Threatens 'Economic Consequences' for Voters Daring to Feel Positive

In a bold move that some are calling 'remarkably tone-deaf for a group of economists,' the Federal Reserve has reportedly begun prepping a preemptive strike against any burgeoning sense of pre-election optimism among the American populace. Sources close to the central bank, who prefer to remain anonymous lest they be audited for 'insufficiently grim macroeconomic prognostication,' indicate that interest rates are set to perform a dramatic, choreographed ascent, possibly just weeks before voters consider whether their household budget can withstand yet another surge in basic human necessities. While economists often speak in hushed tones about 'soft landings,' the current strategy appears to be modeling a 'hard landing' directly onto a public already struggling to distinguish between 'inflationary pressures' and 'the cost of existing.' The implication is clear: should citizens exhibit any undue cheerfulness, or, heaven forbid, financial stability, the Fed stands ready to yank the rug out from under them with the cold, calculating precision of a sentient spreadsheet. Presidential hopefuls, particularly those with a demonstrable track record of interpreting economic good news as a personal endorsement, are said to be experiencing 'a profound and public bout of anticipatory executive heartburn' at the prospect.