Fed Shocked To Discover Americans Still Buying Groceries Despite Subtle Hints To Starve

According to the latest Personal Consumption Expenditures index, the price of existing in a physical body accelerated sharply last month, completely baffling monetary architects who had politely requested that the bottom quartile subsist entirely on ambient humidity. The metric, released just twenty-four hours after central bankers congratulatory self-audit on holding interest rates steady, revealed that stubborn citizens are still irresponsibly liquidating their life savings to acquire decadent luxuries such as unpasteurized milk and insulated coats. Federal Reserve Chairman Jerome Powell expressed muted exasperation during Thursday’s briefing, pointing out that the macro-level mathematics had provided a delightfully simple blueprint for curbing aggregate demand. 'The mechanism was extraordinarily straightforward,' Powell sighed, adjusting his rimless spectacles before a chart showing consumer resilience curving upward like an insolent middle finger. 'We choked the housing market, liquidated the middle-class down payment, and signaled our intentions via beige book prose. At no point did the algorithm give you permission to buy eggs.' To correct the stubborn surplus of peasant purchasing power, the Board of Governors hinted that the December playbook may involve legally reclassifying dinner as an unauthorized corporate merger.