Fed Officials Threaten Higher Interest Rates for Uncooperative Inflation Data

In a move that stunned precisely no one paying attention, Federal Reserve Governor Christopher J. Waller recently articulated a position that can be best summarized as 'inflation *should* behave, but if it doesn't, we're prepared to make *everyone* miserable.' Sources close to the opaque institution report that Waller, apparently holding the nation's economic stability hostage with a single eyebrow raise, expressed a guarded optimism that inflation would, through sheer force of will (or perhaps, politely worded suggestions), continue its downward trajectory. Should this progress falter, however, Mr. Waller indicated a readiness to deploy the Fed's ultimate weapon: making it prohibitively expensive to borrow money for anything, thereby punishing millions for the collective financial sins of… well, someone, eventually. Economists across the nation are reportedly bracing for the data, hoping it exhibits the appropriate level of 'cooperation' required to avoid the Central Bank's sternest scolding.