Fed Announces New Anti-Inflation Strategy: 'Just Don't Buy Things'

In a move praised by exactly zero economists and a handful of particularly stoic squirrels, the Federal Reserve's esteemed new Chairman has boldly declared his personal commitment to 'price stability,' which, according to our top financial seers (a Magic 8-Ball and a particularly irate badger), means he's prepared to do absolutely nothing useful. The man, who sources confirm was recently spotted trying to pay for a cronut with a fistful of lint, believes profoundly that the cure for runaway costs is simply for the unwashed masses to stop wanting things. Behind closed doors, a Kafkaesque debate rages, not over *if* higher borrowing costs will be necessary, but rather *how best* to phrase the memo explaining that your dreams of homeownership and avocado toast are now officially reserved for the landed gentry and venture capitalists who exclusively eat ethically sourced air. One particularly inspired Fed official reportedly suggested a multi-phase plan involving public shaming for desiring basic goods and mandatory national gratitude seminars for being allowed to exist in a high-cost environment. Meanwhile, analysts predict inflation will continue its upward trajectory, possibly reaching a point where a single grape will demand a tribute of your firstborn and a vague, unsettling fear.