FDA Issues 'Breakfast Is Cancelled, But Like, On Purpose' Advisory

America's morning routine, a delicate dance of caffeine and existential dread, received a seismic jolt this week as 1.6 million cartons of eggs were voluntarily recalled, presumably after some brave soul within the FDA finally connected the dots between 'chickens' and 'salmonella.' The eggs, hailing from the sun-drenched, health-conscious state of Texas, had been merrily incubating potential gastrointestinal distress in refrigerators across six states, under a dizzying array of brand names that apparently all translate to 'You're Welcome, Future Gastroenterologist.' Critics are questioning the 'voluntary' nature of the recall, implying it might have been less about corporate responsibility and more about a marketing intern accidentally Googling the word 'liability.' Meanwhile, epidemiologists are reportedly thrilled, as this provides an unprecedented opportunity to study the public's unwavering faith in the nutritional integrity of a product with a 1 in 20,000 chance of turning your insides into a slip-and-slide. Consumers are advised to check their cartons, or simply embrace the burgeoning trend of 'brunch roulette,' where every omelet is a thrilling, high-stakes game of chance.