FBI 'Phone-a-Friend' Hotline Activated for Air Force One Incident: 'Just Kidding! We're Taking Them!'

In a testament to the unparalleled efficiency of federal investigations, the FBI has reportedly initiated a highly bespoke, technologically advanced 'phone retrieval program' for former passengers of the recently 'Qatari-enhanced' Air Force One. Sources close to the inquiry, who definitely aren't just interns shuffling papers, indicate that the Bureau is particularly keen on perusing the digital detritus of those who rode the plush, Wi-Fi-enabled flying fortress with former President Trump last week. Apparently, the sanctity of classified information, or perhaps the appropriate thread count of the presidential toilet paper, was compromised. Agents, reportedly equipped with charming smiles and a surprisingly lenient 'no-questions-asked-unless-we-ask' policy, are making house calls to collect mobile devices. One former aide, speaking anonymously from behind a very large potted plant, described the process as 'less 'federal investigation,' more 'friendly neighborhood cell phone recycling program,' followed by 'Oh, wait, they totally took my phone.' Observers anticipate the Bureau's next move will involve demanding intricate details about onboard snack preferences and whether anyone dared to use the emergency exit row as a supplementary napping station.