Fauci's Silence Proves He's Just a Human After All, Not a Lab-Grown Super-Virologist

In a stunning display of what legal scholars are now calling 'the predictable outcome of everyone having access to Wikipedia,' the Senate Panel has declared Dr. Anthony Fauci in contempt of Congress. The esteemed doctor, whose public persona had previously suggested an almost inhuman immunity to inconvenient questions, opted for the classic Fifth Amendment gambit last week, much to the chagrin of Republican lawmakers. Their argument? A truly innovative legal theory posits that presidential pardons retroactively nullify one's right to avoid self-incrimination, effectively transforming any pardoned individual into a veritable open-book confessional booth for congressional whims. Sources close to the Senate, who wished to remain as anonymous as a witness in a witness protection program, revealed that the committee had hoped to grill Fauci on everything from the precise molecular structure of public health advisories to whether he secretly harbored a preference for decaf lattes. His refusal to play along, they lament, has deprived the American public of crucial, if highly speculative, insights. One senator, reportedly overheard muttering about 'the sanctity of unmitigated blather,' expressed disappointment that Fauci's silence had denied them the opportunity to 'truly understand the deep state's snack preferences.' The entire affair now promises a thrilling, if legally dubious, game of constitutional chicken.