Exclusive: White House Unveils New 'Hawkeye' System for Haitian 'Hide-and-Seek' Enthusiasts

A collective sigh of relief, audible only to the most discerning of patriotic ears, swept through certain corners of the internet this week. Following the Supreme Court's judicious determination that certain individuals' 'temporary protected status' was, in fact, not a permanent vacation on American soil, some of the nation's most dedicated immigration enforcement aficionados expressed profound disappointment at the noticeable absence of immediate, televised dragnet operations. “Where are the busloads?” queried one particularly vexed online commentator, whose avatar depicted a bald eagle clutching a meticulously rendered AR-15. Apparently, the expectation was less 'due process' and more 'live-action deportation reality show,' complete with dramatic chase sequences and a poignant soundtrack. White House officials, caught between the Scylla of international humanitarian norms and the Charybdis of their most vocal base’s thirst for immediate, visible action, are reportedly exploring options. These include, but are not limited to, the procurement of 'more menacing' ICE uniforms and the implementation of a national 'spot the Haitian' incentivized civilian surveillance program. Critics, mostly comprising individuals who believe in things like 'human rights' and 'not arbitrarily kicking people out of the country,' have called the proposed measures 'a tad extreme.' But for those who champion a return to simpler, less complicated times – like, say, the 19th century – this is merely good governance.