Exclusive: U.S. 'Deportation Experience' Offers All-Inclusive, Black-Bagged Tropical Getaway

America, a nation built on second chances and creative re-branding, has unveiled its latest innovation in immigration policy: the 'Equatorial Guinea Elite Reintegration Program.' While lesser nations merely deport individuals, the U.S. government, in partnership with Equatorial Guinea's esteemed President Teodoro Obiang Nguema Mbasogo, is now offering an 'immersive, no-frills' correctional experience. Detainees, who, according to unnamed sources, frequently commence their journey with a bespoke head covering, are then whisked away to a five-star establishment—at least, in the sense that it has walls and a roof. This 'hotel,' affectionately dubbed 'Club Gitmo-lite' by those who haven't yet been silenced, reportedly features an 'intimate' interpersonal program, including 'unconventional stress reduction techniques' and 'guided sensory deprivation exercises.' Officials deny allegations of 'beatings,' clarifying these are merely 'advanced persuasive discussions' designed to foster 'deep self-reflection' among participants. Critics call it a 'human rights atrocity,' but proponents argue it's a cost-effective alternative to therapy and far more 'disruptive' than traditional extradition. It's not a prison, they insist; it's just a very exclusive, very secure resort where you're not allowed to leave or speak freely.