EU Demands Meta Remove 'Engaging' Features, Rebrand Apps to 'Mildew' & 'The Void'

In a stunning display of bureaucratic prowess, the European Union has mandated that Meta dismantle the very essence of its social media platforms, lest users continue to suffer the indignity of… *engaging* with content. Accused of employing 'addictive design,' Instagram and Facebook are now legally obligated to become as stimulating as tax forms filled out underwater. Industry insiders predict the next big update will replace the 'Like' button with a deeply philosophical 'Consideration' icon, and the endless scroll will be rebranded as 'Existential Drift.' Sources close to Brussels suggest the EU’s ultimate goal is to transform digital interaction into a mandatory, yet deeply un-fun, civic duty. Experts anticipate features like 'Friends of Friends' being replaced by 'Acquaintances You're Tolerating,' while 'Stories' will be distilled into 'Brief, Uneventful Anecdotes.' Mark Zuckerberg, reportedly seen clutching a well-worn copy of the Geneva Convention, is said to be drafting a formal complaint asserting his universal right to lure human attention with shinier baubles. This landmark ruling promises a future where our devices are less a gateway to connection and more a legal requirement to stare blankly at a screen until bedtime.