EU Demands Google Share Its Digital Opium Pipes with Aspiring Drug Lords

In a move that has been widely lauded as 'absolutely baffling' by industry insiders and 'quite sensible, thank you very much' by the legions of bureaucrats who conceived it, the European Union has mandated that Google must now offer its AI rivals greater access to Android smartphones. Apparently, the specter of Google leveraging its colossal user base to gain a competitive edge in artificial intelligence was simply too terrifying to contemplate, lest some burgeoning algorithm be denied its rightful share of our collective data. Sources close to the commission noted that the decision was less about genuine competition and more about ensuring everyone gets a turn at the digital cookie jar, even if said cookie jar contains the very essence of human thought processed through a silicon sieve. Critics argue that forcing a tech giant to hand over its proprietary digital infrastructure to direct competitors is akin to demanding Coca-Cola publish its secret formula for the benefit of aspiring soda magnates peddling artisanal beet-flavored fizz. However, EU officials, in a rare display of comedic timing, countered that it’s actually more like asking the owner of the world’s largest oxygen supply to share a straw. The decision is expected to usher in a glorious new era of 'fair' AI, where a user’s every preference, fear, and late-night search query can be equally monetized by a diverse consortium of algorithms, each vying for the coveted title of 'Most Intrusive Digital Companion.'