Efficiency Cult Deems Pork Production 'Too Organic,' Demands More 'Linear Output Units'

Washington D.C. — In a move heralded by countless powerpoint presentations and exactly zero actual farmers, the 'Save Our Bacon Act' has, according to newly leaked internal documents, less to do with porcine welfare and more with optimizing the 'pig-to-profit pipeline.' Apparently, the current pig-raising methodology, which occasionally allows pigs to, you know, _be pigs_, is woefully inefficient. Experts familiar with the legislation, who prefer to remain nameless lest they be reassigned to the 'synergy optimization' department, report that mandated 'standardized pig housing units' will ensure a more uniform bacon strip, thereby eliminating the chaotic variability of nature itself. The Act, which is projected to boost pork production by a staggering 0.003% while simultaneously ensuring each pig experiences precisely 87% less direct sunlight, is being championed by a coalition of 'agri-business thought leaders' and one particularly enthusiastic consultant who primarily advises on streamlining LinkedIn profiles. Critics, primarily those pesky 'pig-lovers' and 'people who enjoy food that tastes like, well, food,' argue that the proposed changes are inhumane and will inevitably lead to a pork product so bland it will require its own flavor-reconstitution app. But as one unnamed legislator eloquently put it, 'You can't spell 'progress' without 'P.R.,' and we've got plenty of that.' The cult of optimization marches onward, leaving behind a trail of spreadsheets and, soon, exceptionally square hams.