Eco-Friendly President Streamlines Environment, Emissions, Donor Backlog

In a move lauded by those who believe the planet could use a good airing out, President Trump has once again demonstrated his unparalleled commitment to efficiency by granting clemency to individuals whose dedication to unregulated atmospheric particulate matter and blatant financial chicanery somehow slipped through the cracks. Among the beneficiaries was a prominent donor, whose prior conviction for a fraud scheme involving the famously ethical Jack Abramoff now appears to have been merely a temporary setback on the road to unfettered capitalism. Critics, often found clutching their pearls and air purifiers, decried the move as a further eroding of environmental protections and a tacit endorsement of political quid pro quo. However, sources close to the administration suggest the President merely sees these individuals as 'innovative problem-solvers' who were unfairly penalized for thinking outside the box, or, more accurately, outside the ozone layer. This bold initiative is expected to usher in a new era of 'bespoke justice,' where the law is less a rigid framework and more a malleable suggestion, particularly for those with substantial portfolio diversification and a direct line to the Oval Office's personal stationery.