DOJ 'Performance Review' Reveals President Has Inalienable Right to Demand Fealty

In a move that has legal scholars everywhere clutching their pearls (or their Gavel-Brand™ coffee mugs, more likely), Attorney General Merrick Garland has bravely stepped forward to confirm what we all suspected: the President of the United States possesses the divine, unchallengeable authority to summarily dismiss any and all public servants who dare to displease his imperial sensibilities. This groundbreaking revelation came amidst swirling rumors of a particularly 'robust' exchange between President Biden and U.S. Attorney for Washington, D.C., Matthew Graves. Garland, ever the picture of judicial stoicism, affirmed that Graves was doing a "good job," immediately after clarifying that said 'good job' could be rendered obsolete faster than a Blockbuster membership if the Commander-in-Chief felt like it. Critics, who apparently missed the memo on how absolute power works, were quick to point out the potential implications for the independence of the Justice Department. But really, what's a little judicial independence when compared to the President's undeniable right to a civil servant who remembers to say 'sir' with the proper level of deference?