Distinguished Aircraft 'Air Force Oh-No' Unveiled, Pilots To Whisper 'Bang' When Under Attack

In a move lauded by the global aerospace industry as 'a bold embrace of austerity and faith in the goodness of humanity,' the newly minted Air Force One is reportedly swapping out its previous defensive countermeasures for what officials are optimistically calling 'a really, really good insurance policy.' Sources close to the project, who requested anonymity because they still wish to be invited to the White House Christmas party, confirmed that the previous iteration's complex array of flare dispensers and jamming technology has been replaced with a more streamlined, 'zen-like' approach to aerial security. Apparently, the multi-billion dollar aircraft will now rely on 'positive vibes' and the President's 'unwavering commitment to international diplomacy' to ward off any geopolitical unpleasantness. White House press secretaries, when pressed on the matter, simply reiterated that the plane is 'very, very safe' and features 'the highest thread count cotton in presidential aviation history.' Experts, however, are reportedly stock-piling travel-sized rosaries and muttering about 'target practice for aspiring supervillains' under their breath.