Democrats, Fresh Off 'Insanity' Tour, Now Seeking 'Professional Insanity Wrangler'

A collective sigh, reportedly audible from sea to shining sea, has rippled through the Democratic Party's inner sanctum. For years, the party of carefully worded press releases and focus-grouped policy proposals has quietly yearned for a 'pugilist' – a fancy word, sources indicate, for someone willing to yell very loudly. Now, as the specter of a second Trumpian midterm looms, that yearning has metastasized into a full-blown existential crisis, prompting an unprecedented internal "Rage-Recruitment Drive." Party strategists, who previously advised candidates to "maintain a dignified inscrutability," are now reportedly circulating annotated copies of Machiavelli's *The Prince* — with all the parts about 'appearances of virtue' heavily redacted. The fear, naturally, is that this sudden pivot from polite indignation to outright fisticuffs might, gasp, alienate the meticulously polling-informed moderate wing, which, it is well known, prefers its political skirmishes conducted via strongly worded letters to the editor.