Democrats Aghast As Justice Dept. Sides With Soulless Algorithm Over Sacred Paywalls

Nothing unites Capitol Hill quite like the tragic spectacle of an automated server cluster reading The New York Times for free. In an impassioned amicus brief, ranking House Democrats sternly rebuked the Justice Department for filing court papers that gently caressed the cheek of tech conglomerates while leaving legacy publishers to wither in an open ditch. "If synthetic processors are permitted to regurgitate three-thousand-word investigations into mid-century artisanal pottery without buying a promotional digital pass, the republic is doomed," warned lawmakers. Committee members expressed utter disbelief that federal prosecutors would side with a warehouse of blinking circuit boards over human pundits whose entire livelihoods rely on a hyphenated surname and an unearned tenure at Harvard. The Justice Department, meanwhile, maintained that consuming human civilization to synthesize generic corporate slide decks constitutes profound national progress. Insiders report the dispute reached a boiling point when congressional aides discovered the software could simulate an entire bipartisan judiciary hearing without requiring a catered deli platter, presenting a clear and existential threat to federal tradition.