Democrat Dares to Be Slightly Less Pure; Sparks Progressive Excommunication Hearings

It appears the Democratic Party's rigorous ideological purity test, traditionally reserved for high school debate club dropouts and TikTok communists, has now expanded its prestigious ranks to include sitting politicians. Former Utah Congressman Ben McAdams, a man whose moderate worldview is perhaps best exemplified by his preference for vanilla ice cream and the occasional respectful nod to his conservative constituents, is currently enduring the digital equivalent of a public shaming for the egregious sin of having once, reportedly, *gasp*, backed abortion restrictions. His crime? Attempting to win an election in a state where a Democrat with a 'D' next to their name is typically regarded with the same suspicion as an unlabeled casserole at a potluck. Progressive groups, having successfully eradicated all internal thought not approved by the collective hive-mind, are now gleefully sharpening their rhetorical pitchforks. Sources close to the proceedings — largely anonymous Twitter accounts with anime avatars — suggest that McAdams’ primary transgression was believing that winning elections might involve, occasionally, appealing to voters who don't already agree with 100% of the party platform. Such pragmatic heresy, it seems, cannot stand. The party, known for its tireless dedication to achieving absolute legislative gridlock through ideological infighting, is reportedly much closer to securing a ban on politicians with 'nuance' than on, say, assault weapons.