Dear Leader Discovers 'Unfollowing' Not Just for Instagram Models

In a surprising display of what aides are calling 'advanced digital stewardship,' former President and current Mar-a-Lago monarch, Donald J. Trump, has taken to the digital public square to express his profound disappointment with Republican Representative María Elvira Salazar of Florida. Sources close to the former president confirmed that he was 'personally devastated' to learn that not all elected officials are, in fact, pre-programmed automatons awaiting his daily command. His method? Amplifying a curated selection of particularly scathing social media commentary from what he termed 'the discerning populace,' proving once again that a true leader never delegates the delicate art of subtweeting. Salazar’s perceived transgression, a momentarily independent thought regarding immigration policy, was met with the swift, digital equivalent of being sent to the Phantom Zone for a 'time out.' One anonymous Republican, bravely venturing out from under his desk, called the move 'not entirely constructive,' signaling a potential fracturing of the party's previously unbreakable vow of performative fealty. Political analysts are now scrambling to re-evaluate their models, realizing they may have underestimated the strategic genius of a septuagenarian leveraging the comment section to enforce ideological purity. The move is expected to boost engagement numbers for both Trump's Truth Social account and therapy practices nationwide.