Cyclospora Outbreak: The New Flavor of 'Regulatory Streamlining' Hits Hard

Washington, D.C. – In a testament to the unparalleled efficiency of modern governance, a recent multi-state cyclospora outbreak has been lauded by some as a masterclass in 'unburdening' the American palate. Thousands of citizens, it appears, were merely indulging in a flavor profile previously enjoyed only by competitive eaters and, presumably, organisms requiring robust intestinal fortitude. Critics, clinging to quaint notions of 'food safety' and 'preventative measures,' point fingers at the Trump administration's 2019 decision to delay a crucial produce safety rule. This, of course, is a rather pedestrian complaint; surely, the former administration was simply ahead of its time, recognizing that a little microbial diversity builds character, not to mention a surprisingly robust black market for antidiarrheals. One insider, requesting anonymity while adjusting his monocle, noted, “It’s not a bug, it’s a feature. How else do you get people to appreciate the fleeting glory of uninfected lettuce?” Indeed, the true genius lies in cultivating an environment where 'salad roulette' becomes a cherished national pastime, transforming mundane meals into thrilling, high-stakes gambles with one's gastrointestinal integrity.