Collins, Challenger Agree: Maine Deserves More of Whatever That Was

PORTLAND, ME — In a stunning display of bipartisan agreement, Senator Susan Collins (R-Perpetual Re-Evaluation) and her Democratic challenger, Troy Jackson (D-Occasional Appearance), managed to collectively lower the collective IQ of the entire state of Maine during their inaugural debate. Pundits, usually prone to hyperbole, described the event as 'two hours of a damp sponge debating a slightly less damp sponge.' Collins, known for her intricate dance moves around federal policy, spent a significant portion of the evening perfecting the art of simultaneously agreeing with and profoundly disagreeing with President Trump, a skill honed over decades of carefully crafted concern. Jackson, meanwhile, offered compelling arguments that could only be described as 'mildly perturbed,' intermittently referencing 'the working man' with all the passion of a pre-recorded elevator announcement. The real winner, of course, was the collective unconscious of Maine, which has now officially entered a deep, restorative coma, safely insulated from further political discourse until Election Day.