Clear Eyes Recalls Contaminated Drops, Blames Consumer 'Excessive Blinking'

In a stunning display of corporate self-sabotage, Clear Eyes, purveyors of ocular salvation, has voluntarily recalled nearly 40,000 bottles of their 'Maximum Itchy Eye Relief' solution. Federal regulators, in a breathtaking triumph of understatement, cited a 'lack of assurance of sterility,' which translates, in layman's terms, to 'there might be actual microscopic nightmares swimming in your eyeballs.' The company, Bausch + Lomb, a titan in the highly competitive 'things you squirt into your face' industry, has yet to issue a definitive statement beyond a vague press release that reads like it was written by a committee of lawyers and a particularly anxious intern. Industry insiders, however, speculate that the 'sterility assurance deficit' might be a clever marketing ploy. 'Who needs clear eyes,' mused one anonymous marketing guru, 'when you can have a mild, recurring fungal infection that requires *even more* of our products?' Others suggest it's a bold commentary on the futility of modern hygiene, prompting consumers to embrace the raw, unfiltered experience of 21st-century micro-ecosystems. Meanwhile, millions of Americans, whose eyes are now potentially hosting a microscopic rave, are left wondering if 'Maximum Itchy Eye Relief' was, in fact, an ironically accurate product name all along.