City's Unofficial Official Rodent Caucus Demands Recount Amidst Primary 'Shenanigans'

A palpable sense of existential dread, conveniently packaged as civic duty, gripped New Yorkers yesterday as they dutifully shuffled through primary polling stations, emerging no wiser but significantly more fatigued. The highly anticipated electoral showdown, which pundits had optimistically labeled a 'contest of ideas' before devolving into a 'cage match of slightly different shades of beige,' saw a surprisingly robust turnout. Many attributed this surge not to political fervor, but to an unprecedented heatwave rendering air-conditioned public buildings irresistible. Meanwhile, sources within the municipal sanitation department report that the city's rat population, often an unerring bellwether for human anxiety, has seen a 37% increase in existential angst-related burrowing, specifically around precincts suffering from ballot exhaustion. One long-time voter, reached mid-sigh outside a polling site, mumbled something about 'choosing the least terrifying option' before asking if anyone had seen his car keys, or the last vestiges of his hope. Early exit polls suggest a narrow victory for 'The Candidate Who Promises Slightly Less Future Pain,' though official results are still pending analysis by multiple independent committees and a small group of exceptionally bored pigeons.