CIA Acknowledges 'Precious Metals Accumulation' is an Unapproved HR Benefit

It’s been a rough week for the beleaguered intelligence community, as the revelation that former CIA officer David J. Rush allegedly housed a modest 303 gold bars in his Virginia basement has sent shockwaves through the agency’s heretofore unassailable 'propriety and discretion' seminar series. Sources close to the internal investigation, who wished to remain anonymous lest their own 'classified enrichment programs' be discovered, confirmed that Mr. Rush has tentatively agreed to a plea deal, presumably involving the exchange of several dozen smaller, less conspicuous gold-plated paperweights for a slightly less embarrassing federal dorm room. The F.B.I., in a statement that could only be described as 'mildly perturbed,' detailed how Rush fabricated a top-secret initiative, ingeniously titled 'Operation Gilded Goose,' to funnel himself millions. This, officials emphasized, is 'definitely not' what they meant by 'creative problem-solving' during the annual 'Innovation in Covert Finance' retreat. The agency has since issued a stern memo reminding all personnel that while 'strategic asset acquisition' is encouraged, it should ideally benefit the nation, not just one’s subterranean bullion portfolio. They're also reportedly revising the agency's official 'Lost and Found' policy to include 'items of significant intrinsic value' found buried beneath suburban patios.