Centrists Seize Control of Congress, Boldly Vowing to Do Slightly Less Than Nothing

An electrifying wave of milquetoast pragmatism washed over Capitol Hill this week as dozens of newly elected moderate Democrats arrived in Washington, clutching freshly pressed beige suits and an unshakeable determination to disappoint everyone equally. Riding razor-thin victories in suburban districts where the mere whisper of municipal tap water regulation triggers cries of tyranny, this burgeoning caucus of aggressively neutral lawmakers wasted no time consolidating power around a radical platform of incremental throat-clearing. “The American electorate sent a clear, decisive message on Tuesday: they want sweeping change, provided it takes the form of a non-binding feasibility study that quietly expires in 2039,” declared self-appointed caucus spokesman Rep. Brad Miller, pausing to ensure his heart rate remained at a politically calibrated zero. Bolstered by their decisive numbers, the faction immediately unveiled its flagship legislative priority: a means-tested tax deduction designed exclusively for left-handed diesel mechanics earning between $41,200 and $41,208 annually. Leadership confirmed the proposal would be preemptively surrendered during bipartisan breakfast bagels to preserve decorum.