CBS News Bravely Introduces 'Thinker' Element to '60 Minutes' Line-Up, Raises Eyebrows

In a move that’s either an act of audacious journalistic genius or a calculated ratings-grab targeting that coveted 'pensive furrowed brow' demographic, CBS News has announced the addition of *New York Times* opinion columnist Ross Douthat to its venerable *60 Minutes* correspondent roster. Long hailed as the intellectual equivalent of a slightly deflated football at a highly competitive tailgate, Douthat will now bring his signature brand of 'thoughtful consideration of things we already thought about' to the hallowed Sunday night slot. Sources close to the production—who wished to remain unnamed lest they be subjected to a Douthat column—suggest the network hopes to diversify its reporting by including perspectives only found within a narrow, highly specific intellectual corridor. Industry analysts are already predicting a surge in viewers who enjoy their news delivered with the faint, comforting scent of tweed and the unyielding certainty of someone who just *knows* he’s right, even when everyone else is already on dessert. One executive, reportedly speaking from beneath a silk scarf, mused, "We felt the public was simply not getting enough 'controversial takes that were already uncontroversial a decade ago'. Ross is our man."