Cattle Farmers Report Existential Dread Now Linked to Bovine Flatulence, Midterms

A groundbreaking new study, provocatively titled ‘The Call’ (presumably by a team of highly-caffeinated PhD candidates), reveals that America’s cattle farmers are experiencing a profound sense of 'disillusionment' – a condition previously thought to be exclusive to philosophy majors and art house film critics. Apparently, the bucolic serenity of farm life is being systematically undermined not by predictable factors like market fluctuations or unpredictable bovine behavior, but by the looming specter of the midterms. It turns out that the electoral cycle, much like a particularly stubborn bull, can't be reasoned with and just keeps charging towards November, leaving a trail of existential angst in its wake. Experts theorize that the consistent messaging from campaign ads, which often feature sepia-toned images of 'hard-working Americans' (read: anyone who isn't a lobbyist), is triggering a deep-seated identity crisis among those who actually work with, well, cattle. One farmer, who wished to remain anonymous to avoid being labeled a 'flake' by his livestock, confided that he now sees his prize-winning Holstein as a metaphor for the entire political system: prone to making loud, often incoherent noises, difficult to steer, and ultimately, producing a lot of methane. The study concludes that the only viable solution is to either ban all political advertising from rural areas or, failing that, equip every cow with noise-cancelling headphones.