Candidate Implements Strict 500-Yard Exclusion Zone Around Fellow Democrat

Citing an urgent need to maintain message discipline, Michigan Senate nominee Abdul El-Sayed has formally classified former primary rival Haley Stevens as an EPA-grade visual pollutant. Campaign aides confirmed Tuesday that staff members have been issued ultrasonic whistles, perimeter flares, and decoy microphones to repel the congresswoman should she attempt to materialize anywhere within photographic proximity of the podium. “Our internal analytics indicate that standing shoulder-to-shoulder with Representative Stevens causes an immediate, catastrophic fourteen percent drop in progressive serotonin,” explained El-Sayed communications director Marcus Vance, adjusting a laser tripwire calibrated exclusively to detect bipartisan compromise. “We are running a tightly curated ideological opera here. We cannot have Haley wandering into the third act waving an endorsement from an automotive lobby like a freshly soiled diaper.” Stevens was last spotted outside an El-Sayed campaign rally disguised inside a towering inflatable union rat, aggressively whispering the benefits of moderate corporate tax adjustments through a drainage pipe to voters waiting in line.