Canada Rolls Out Plush Maple-Leaf-Branded Cushions for World's Scared Money

In a move lauded by actuaries and anyone whose portfolio has seen more dips than a competitive limbo dancer, Mark Carney recently unveiled Canada's latest economic strategy: being aggressively, almost obnoxiously, *stable*. Gathered in a Toronto ballroom so tastefully beige it rendered 100 of the world's most powerful fund managers temporarily colorblind, Carney pitched the Great White North as an investment haven, a veritable 'safe space' for capital easily spooked by global events like, say, a rogue squirrel gaining sentience or the price of artisanal sourdough. Attendees, many of whom arrived clutching emotional support briefcases, were reportedly soothed by promises of predictable interest rates and a distinct lack of sudden, inexplicable revolutions. One financier, visibly trembling from recent geopolitical jitters, was overheard muttering, 'It's so... *boring*. I could weep with relief.' Sources close to the proceedings indicated that the Canadian government is now considering a national rebranding campaign to highlight its steadfast refusal to be interesting, aiming to lure capital away from nations that still foolishly believe in 'excitement' or 'rapid change.'