BREAKING: Your 401(k) Is Now Legally Required To Own A Piece Of Space-Messiah Elon Musk’s Private Stardom

America's least engaged investors, the 401(k) cohort, are about to become unwilling shareholders in humanity's greatest (and only) plan B: Mars. Financial pundits are gleefully announcing that countless passively managed index funds, those bastions of set-it-and-forget-it frugality, will soon be gobbling up chunks of SpaceX. This means your retirement dreams, once predicated on things like 'stable equities' and 'not burning up on re-entry,' will now be inextricably linked to the whims of a man who names his children like Wi-Fi passwords. So, while you're agonizing over filling out your Medicare forms, know that a tiny fraction of your future depends on whether a starship lands upright or performs an unscheduled 'rapid unscheduled disassembly' over Boca Chica. The financial advice, historically, has been to diversify; now, it's apparently to cross your fingers and hope the billionaire isn't having a bad day tweeting. Suddenly, that mutual fund prospectus about 'moderate risk' feels a lot like reading a brochure for a one-way trip to the asteroid belt.