BREAKING: White House Declares Itself 'Sole Arbiter of Truth,' Cites 'Because We Said So' Clause

Washington, D.C. – In a move lauded by proponents as "streamlining the information superhighway" and derided by others as "an absolute prerequisite for autocracy," the White House has formally asserted its unalienable right to ban news outlets, suggesting that journalistic access is less a constitutional guarantee and more a seasonal perk, like access to the Rose Garden's less-photogenic shrubbery. Legal filings reportedly argue the President holds an inherent, albeit previously undiscovered, authority to decide which media entities are sufficiently 'friendly' to report on his administration's tireless efforts to redefine 'transparency.' Critics immediately pointed out the potential for a White House press corps composed solely of fluffy lapdogs and a single, perpetually nodding AI hologram. Administration sources, speaking on condition of anonymity because their name tags had been revoked for 'insufficient enthusiasm,' indicated that such measures are merely a proactive effort to 'optimize public discourse' and prevent any 'unnecessary fact-checking' from disrupting the national narrative. Future press briefings, they hinted, might consist of a daily interpretive dance performance illustrating the President's latest policy triumphs, thus rendering pesky questions entirely obsolete.