BREAKING: Trump Mulls Axing Human Shield Kimberly Guilfoyle After Discovering Her Non-Bulletproof Nature

Washington D.C. — In a move widely interpreted as an unprecedented strategic reassessment, former President Donald J. Trump announced he is 'looking at' firing Kimberly Guilfoyle. The revelation came, not coincidentally, as reporters inquired about the U.S. Ambassador to Greece, George Tsunis, facing allegations of soliciting a G.O.P. donor to settle a rather personal credit card tab. Sources close to the former president, who requested anonymity lest they be subsequently 'looked at' themselves, indicated that Guilfoyle's value proposition had been significantly downgraded. Apparently, her primary role of 'distraction' and 'loud noises in the general vicinity of difficult questions' was now deemed less effective than anticipated, particularly when facing the existential threat of inconvenient financial impropriety originating from an entirely different administration appointee. The former president, ever the pragmatist, reportedly felt that if Guilfoyle couldn't deflect heat from a scandal that wasn't even *her* scandal, then what exactly was she doing besides, well, being Kimberly Guilfoyle? A cost-benefit analysis is said to be underway, likely involving a whiteboard and a magic marker.