Bolton Set to Plead Guilty, Proving Even the Most Unreadable Documents Can Be Misplaced

Washington D.C. – In a move that has stunned exactly zero beltway insiders, former Trump administration official John Bolton is reportedly poised to admit guilt in a classified information kerfuffle. Sources close to the legal proceedings, who themselves remain entirely unclassified, claim the prolific mustachioed hawk will confess to 'mishandling' sensitive documents, a charge that, in D.C. parlance, translates roughly to 'leaving the nuclear codes on a café napkin next to a half-eaten croissant.' One can only imagine the sheer existential dread of a high-level government operative realizing their top-secret dossier is now the structural support for a wobbly bistro table leg. The case, a bipartisan odyssey spanning both the Trumpian fever dream and the Biden administration’s gentle hum of moderate disappointment, highlights the truly universal human experience of accidentally taking your work home… and then promptly losing it behind the couch cushions. Experts believe Bolton's sentencing could range anywhere from a stern talking-to and mandatory participation in a 'How Not To File' seminar, to a three-year stint in Gitmo, where he'll undoubtedly craft a new foreign policy doctrine using only a toothbrush and a bar of soap. The public, naturally, is left wondering if any of the information was actually worth keeping secret in the first place, or if it was merely highly sensitive instructions for setting the office coffee machine.